Theatre Seat Selection

OCPD causes me to be very picky about where I sit in the movie theatre.

That is why I pre-purchased my advance tickets and reserved my seats for the July 20th release of The Dark Knight Rises.

Here are my wonderful seats!

Sitting right in the center of the theatre, where everything is symmetric, is movie-going paradise for me! It is where I can escape my reality and zero-in all my attention on the film. If I were to sit anywhere else, the combination of my sensitivity and orderliness would pick up too many subtleties in my surroundings to distract me from being fully engaged with my movie. If I were to sit off to the side of the theatre, I would get distracted by the uneven distribution of sound as one ear would be picking up more sound than the other. I would also get distracted by my distorted perspective of the image being displayed on the screen.

I have done this for so long that it has become a personal movie-going rule that I follow. If I cannot get seats that are close to the center of the theatre, I rather wait another week to watch the movie.

But with great seats come great responsibilities. I make sure to use the restroom before the start of the movie and avoid drinking liquids during the movie.

Routines

People with OCPD like routines for two reasons: (1) routines save them the time of having to inefficiently think about what to do; (2) routines protect them from being overwhelmed by unanticipated surprises.  

Because of their sensitivity, people with OCPD are thinkaholics who inefficiently think too much about what to do. This inefficiency conflicts with their need for efficiency. For the sake of being more efficient, people with OCPD then try to cut out the thinking part altogether. They do this by getting all the thinking over and done with in the beginning and figuring out the “best” fail-proof course of action. Once they figure that out, people with OCPD repeat the same action over and over again for every situation. Their fear of mistakes can also contribute to their resistance in trying out new things.

The 1997 movie “As Good as it Gets” demonstrates this kind of preoccupation with routines.

In the movie, Jack Nicholson’s character responds to his hunger in the same way at the same hour of everyday: he goes to the same restaurant; he sits in the same seat; he orders the same meal in the same way from the same server; he eats his meal in the same manner; he pays the bill in the same amount. During my workaholic years living in Seoul, I had been very much like Jack Nicholson’s character. The thought of trying out something new for lunch seemed so troublesome when I already had a place and meal that I could expect to be satisfied with. Trying out something new would have required me to inefficiently think again about which place to eat at, what menu item to order, and so many other things that take me a much longer time to think about than most other people. 

Some of the world’s most successful people follow routines. One of Korea’s most successful people in the entertainment industry, Jin-Young Park (workaholic singer/songwriter, dancer, record producer and former CEO and founder of major entertainment company “JYP Entertainment”), told “Healing Camp” on an interview that he had been following the same morning routine everyday for the last seventeen years.

[ wake up (8:00am), take vitamins/supplements, eat the same healthy breakfast (15 minutes), stretch (58 different stretches in 30 minutes), do vocal exercises (30 minutes), work out (2 hours), get dressed (5 minutes) ]

The breaking of a routine is a big deal to people with OCPD because their all-or-nothing thinking hyperbolizes the consequences.

—

SO WHAT NOW?

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OCPD):
Remember that your all-or-nothing thinking wrongfully hyperbolizes the consequences of a broken routine. If others cause you to break a routine, go along with it and tell yourself that you are going to be ok. If you catch yourself hesitating to do an activity that is not a part of your routine (helping out a friend, going to party, etc.), examine yourself carefully and see if your hesitation is caused from your attachment to your routines. If it is, regardless of how inefficient it might be, push yourself to think about whether it is more important to follow your routine or try out the new activity.

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OTHERS):
If your OCPD friend is upset by a broken routine, try your best to show empathy for the intensified pain that your friend’s all-or-nothing thinking causes him or her to feel. If you can see that your OCPD friend is enjoying his or her time after having broken a routine, help him or her break out of his or her attachment to routines even more by mentioning in a friendly way, “Don’t you think this is a much more wonderful way to spend your time than just redoing your routine?”

HOW TO BE MORE FLEXIBLE WITH ROUTINES (OCPD):
Understand that, in some cases, it is better to take the time to think about what should and should not be done. After all the thinking, what you decide to do in the end may be quite different from what you would have done had you blindly followed a pre-established routine. When a rule is broken, fight against your all-or-nothing thinking by telling yourself that the consequence will not be so bad.

Rules

As discussed earlier in my post titled “Human Doing,” people with OCPD are preoccupied with the efficient use of time. To their frustration, however, the combination of their sensitivity and orderliness causes them to inefficiently think too much about what can and cannot be done to maintain order in this world. Since rules maintain order without requiring the follower to inefficiently have to think too much, people with OCPD demonstrate a great liking for them.

People with OCPD like rules because rules save them the time of having to inefficiently think about what can and cannot be done to maintain order.

Behind every good rule, there was a person who thought long and hard. Repeating this long and hard thinking process would only be inefficient and redundant. All that is left to be done is following the rule.

But which rules people with OCPD follow highly depend on how much they trust the original rule maker. If they do not trust the original rule maker, people with OCPD will do much of their own thinking and making up of their own rules. Since their own rules were born out of much of their own trusted thinking, people with OCPD will follow them religiously without much concern to go back and inefficiently question their original thinking process, even if it was all flawed.

The breaking of a rule is a big deal to people with OCPD because their all-or-nothing thinking hyperbolizes the consequences. People with OCPD find it “unfair” when others break the rules that OCPDers try so hard to follow. They can feel so much anger when they see this kind of injustice. When people with OCPD break their own rules, they can feel so much guilt.

—

SO WHAT NOW?

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OCPD):
If you really believe so strongly in some of the rules that you follow, follow them yourself without expecting others to do the same. If others have not asked you to share your thoughts on what can and cannot be done, do not go ahead and impose your ideas onto them. If others break a rule that you follow with so much conviction, do not be quick to judge that they are doing that deliberately to hurt you.

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OTHERS):
If your OCPD friend is upset because you broke a rule, first let him or her know that you did not mean to make him or her upset. In the case that your OCPD friend’s all-or-nothing thinking causes him or her to see you as an enemy, be strong and do not take personally any of the offensive language he or she might use. Assure him or her that the consequence of the broken rule is not as bad as he or she thinks. If he or she claims that the consequence will be something extremely bad, disagree confidently and assist him or her in seeing the “middle-ground.” If your OCPD friend is upset with him or herself for breaking a rule, try to comfort your OCPD friend by telling him or her that it is ok, that the consequence of breaking that rule is not as bad as he or she thinks.

HOW TO BE MORE FLEXIBLE WITH RULES (OCPD):
Understand that, in some cases, it is better to take the time to think about what should and should not be done. After all the thinking, what you decide to do in the end may be quite different from what you would have done had you blindly followed a pre-established rule. When a rule is broken, fight against your all-or-nothing thinking by telling yourself that the consequence will not be so bad.

Don’t Be Such a Chicken

In my very first post on hypersensitivity, I explained that,

“Those children who are able to find adequate security in their parents move on and learn that the object that originally caused their insecurity poses no threat to their survival. However, the other children who are unable to find adequate security in their parents develop fear and learn that the object is a threatening one.”

What do you think happened to this child?

Though this video is titled “[SO FUNNY] Little boy getting chased by hungry chickens,” what is happening in this video is really not a laughing matter.

It is easy for the boy’s parents to laugh and find it cute because they know that their son will be fine. The parents will probably keep this video and laugh about it with their friends for a lifetime. But while his parents joyfully retell the story again and again at different family functions, the boy will probably feel pain for being reminded of a time that his parents were not there for him when he desperately needed them.

So much of the world is unfamiliar to an infant. He has no way of knowing whether these animals are as harmless as they really are or as deadly as the chicken-sized Compsognathus dinosaurs that kill Peter Stormare’s character in “The Lost World: Jurassic Park.”

Sadly, because of this unfortunate experience, the boy will probably never feel safe around birds because his fear will drive him to take preventative measures for the rest of his life.

—

WHAT THE PARENTS SHOULD HAVE DONE:
The parents should have given the boy security. They should have picked him up so that he does not need to run anymore. While in their arms, they should have calmed him down. While showing how calm they are themselves in this situation, they should have told the boy, “It’s OK, child. You are going to be just fine.” The parents then should have slowly lowered themselves down and extended their hand out to the chickens to demonstrate to the child that there really is no reason to be scared. Then finally, the parents should have invited the child to do the same.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH PARENTING A SENSITIVE CHILD? (PARENTS):
If your child has a sensitive nervous system, he or she needs security from you even more because they may be constantly feeling overwhelmed by the entire world. Like the example presented above, when your highly sensitive child expresses his or her need for security, you should calm him or her down, tell him or her that that he or she will be just fine, give some evidence that there is no reason to be scared, and then encourage him or her to place him or herself back into that unfamiliar situation.

Push-Pull

As discussed earlier in my post titled “Fear of Mistakes,” perfectionists avoid taking action, making decisions, and making commitments in hopes of keeping all of their options open before deciding on one best “perfect” option. This behaviour often shows up in the romantic relationships of perfectionists. But unlike most of their other inanimate options that can be easily kept within their reach with a minimal amount of control, human beings require much more control because they have a mind of their own.

Relationship perfectionists sabotage and re-establish their romantic relationships (also known as “push-pull”) to keep all of their romantic options open and control their fear of making a mistake in the selection of a romantic partner.

For extreme relationship perfectionists, their search for “the one” ends when they have finally met and evaluated every single potential romantic partner on the face of this planet. But before they can complete their impossible mission, most of them come across some “good” options that do a good enough job of giving them some pleasure until they find someone better.

But these “good” options, to the frustration of relationship perfectionists, do not stay put. Sometimes they express their desire to take the relationship to a deeper level of intimacy. This terrifies relationship perfectionists because their all-or-nothing thinking causes them to feel as though they are being pressured into something as exclusive as marriage. Other times, these “good” options express their desire to remove themselves romantically. This also terrifies relationship perfectionists because it threatens their plans to keep all of their options open. In attempt to avoid making choosing or losing mistakes, relationship perfectionists control the intimacy level of their relationships through pushing and pulling.

All that a relationship perfectionist achieves through successfully exercising push-pull techniques is just the peace of mind of having someone to go to if all else fails. Unfortunately, it is at the severe expense of another person’s emotional welfare.

—

STRENGTHS OF THOSE WITH OCPD WHO LEARN TO OVERCOME THEIR FEAR OF MISTAKES IN THE SELECTION OF A ROMANTIC PARTNER

• Your standards actually go higher – You probably think your standards are already high enough. If you have a fear of making mistakes in the selection of a romantic partner, then actually your standards are not so high. Beneath all your “high standards,” you are actually afraid of getting hurt. You have trained your eye to look out for someone who will hurt you the least. After overcoming your fear, you will be able to appreciate much better qualities in a romantic partner than just someone “nice” who would never even hurt a fly.
• You have so much peace in your romantic relationships.
• You can be so forgiving and understanding when your romantic partner does something that hurts you.

—

SO WHAT NOW?

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OCPD):
Understand that your all-or-nothing thinking is inaccurate. Challenge yourself to see the more accurate “middle-ground” meaning of your romantic partner’s affection. Openly communicate with your partner that you have a fear that holds you back from wholly enjoying a relationship. Be honest and let your partner know that your fear intensifies when you feel out of control, which usually happens when the intimacy level of a relationship fluctuates too much.

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OTHERS):
Your relationship perfectionist partner is probably unaware that his or her push-pull tendencies are driven by his or her fear of making mistakes. Address this issue immediately. After he or she recognizes the fear, ask him or her if he or she would like to (A) face the fear by taking a chance and attempting to do away with his or her control patterns or (B) continue to hold onto the fear and all the control patterns that come with it. If he or she chooses the latter, I suggest you leave the doomed relationship. If he or she chooses the former, be patient and give assurance to your partner that “everything is going to be just fine.” Even if your heart wants to express so much affection to your partner, understand that he or she may not respond to it so well because of his or her fear. While your relationship perfectionist partner makes gradual progress towards eliminating his or her fear, resist the urge to express your intense love for him or her. You can unload it all once his or her fear has been conquered.

HOW TO LET GO OF YOUR FEAR OF MISTAKES IN THE SELECTION OF A ROMANTIC PARTNER (OCPD):
You must understand that your relationship control techniques, though they make you feel safe, are actually terrible for you. Because of them, you are not able to face your relationship fears. As long as you hold onto your control techniques, you will never get rid of that fear. Stop exercising your control in relationships. When the intimacy level of a relationship fluctuates, hold yourself back from doing anything about it. It will feel very scary at first, but those feelings will pass. Just continue to tell yourself “everything is going to be ok.”