Self-Esteem

As mentioned in my previous post titled “Discernment and Judgment,” people with OCPD can be quite judgmental when their gift for discernment is poisoned by all-or-nothing thinking. Their judgments can be so damaging that those who listen to them on a frequent basis are often left with their identity confused and self-esteem lowered.

People who are on the receiving end of frequent OCPD judgments should discount all all-or-nothing attacks made against their identity in order to preserve their own self-esteem.

A common story that I hear again and again is that of people coming out of a relationship with an OCPD partner more broken than they were before. This unfortunate outcome is most likely due to having listened to the all-or-nothing judgments of people with OCPD for far too long.

Those closest to people with OCPD must be vigilant in critically analyzing their judgments. No matter how true they might sound, recipients of their judgments need to recognize that OCPD judgments are in fact inaccurate because of their all-or-nothing thinking. Simply put, do not listen to any negative judgments from a person with OCPD.

When people with OCPD are attacked by their own judgments, most of them defend themselves in a very harmful way. Instead of saying to themselves, “No, I am not a failure! Look at who I am,” most will say, “No, I am not a failure! Look at what I have done!”

Many people with OCPD fall for this trap because they often do have an impressive portfolio of excellent work. Their performance then becomes the foundation on which they build their worth. When they perform excellently, they feel good about themselves; when they perform poorly, they feel bad about themselves. People with OCPD who repeatedly experience these ups and downs can then fall deeply into performance addiction.

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SO WHAT NOW?

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OCPD):
Stop judging others. Even when others fail to meet your standards, stop yourself from making judgments about them in your mind. Challenge yourself to think more in the middle.

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OTHERS):
Stop listening to the judgments of your OCPD friend. Try to understand that his or her anxiety causes him or her to think in extremes. Be patient and encourage your OCPD friend to think more in the middle.

HOW TO SAVE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM (OCPD):
Stop listening to yourself. Until you have eliminated your all-or-nothing thinking, your mind is actually quite unreliable and your judgments are flawed. When you defend yourself from attacks that are made against your identity, do not be tempted to focus on what you have done. Instead, focus on who you are. If there is too much hurt, fear, and lies that are hindering you from getting in touch with who you really are, read “The Gift Unwrapped,” my best attempt at summarizing the true identity of our kind.

Discernment and Judgment

In her book, “The Highly Sensitive Person,” Dr. Elaine N. Aron wrote,

“Like those machines that grade fruit by size – [highly sensitive people] sort into ten sizes while others sort into two or three.”

This ability to sort things into finer distinctions comes from the ability to first recognize those distinctions.

People with OCPD have a gift for discernment.

As a result of being born with a greater appreciation for excellence and order, people with OCPD tend to use their gift for discernment most frequently in these two areas. They strongly believe that not everything is equally excellent and orderly. They are able to recognize “true” and “authentic” excellence and order. When something is praised for its excellence by people with OCPD, you can be damn sure that it is excellent! This recognition then leads people with OCPD to work hard at bringing more of this excellence and order into the world.

Unfortunately, there is also a dark side to this wonderful gift for discernment. If this gift manages to get poisoned by all-or-nothing thinking, what you can end up with is a group of merciless judgmental people. Again, the judgments of people with OCPD usually center around the poor execution of excellence and orderliness. When they themselves fall short of perfection in these areas, all-or-nothing thinking OCPDers can become very self-critical and berate themselves with destructive words like “You are worthless!” “You are so stupid!” “You are such a loser!” Not having been privileged with much allowance for imperfection, these self-critical people tend to give others very little allowance for imperfection as well.

OCPD in Popular Media: “The Dark Knight Rises”

WARNING: Spoiler Alert!

Having gotten to watch “The Dark Knight Rises” last week in the perfect seats that I discussed earlier in my post titled “Theatre Seat Selection,” I was able to focus all my attention on the story. I loved it!

People with OCPD can expect to relate to the story of “The Dark Knight Rises” because it celebrates principles that are so dear to the heart of every OCPDer.

Even though his intentions have always been to do good for the undeserving city that was responsible for the death of his parents, Batman is subjected to the misdirected hate of the entire city of Gotham for the majority of the movie. Again and again, Batman is betrayed by those who come to him with false promises to help his honourable cause. But despite all the suffering and lack of appreciation he gets, Batman gives up his life to save Gotham City, not because he gets something out of it, but simply because it is the right thing to do.

Like Batman, you are a person of justice. Your heart breaks when you see injustice happen as a result of the absence or lack of moral order in this world. No matter what, you do not compromise your convictions. Even when everyone holds you down, even in the face of suffering or death, you keep on fighting for what is right. It is people like you who make history. It is people like you who change the world!

Logical Reasoning

More than others, sensitive people spend their time thinking about the question “why?” Among this group of thinkers, there exists a rare breed of gifted intellectuals whose innate orderliness makes them highly skilled at finding an answer through the orderly process of logical reasoning.

People with OCPD have a gift for logical reasoning.

Logical reasoning is a very powerful tool used by the greatest mathematicians, scientists, diagnosticians, and detectives. It is what Sherlock Holmes and Dr. House (from the American TV series “House”) use to solve their respective mysteries.

It is what I have used to solve the mystery that is OCPD and build this entire blog without any formal education in psychology. People with OCPD just have to start with the question “why?” and then connect the puzzle pieces in their mind together.

But the “puzzle pieces” that they use to make their conclusions are not always accurate. The all-or-nothing thinking of people with OCPD can sometimes distort their judgment and cause them to make logical fallacies instead.

In an earlier post titled “Don’t Be Such a Chicken,” I linked a video of a frightened boy running away from a swarm of hungry chickens and suggested that he would probably develop a fear of birds from that traumatic experience. But why should all the thousands of different bird species be discriminated against when the boy’s experience only involved chickens?

Generalization is just one of the logical fallacies that gets committed by those who reason with all-or-nothing thinking. Racism, sexism, and all the other “isms” develop as a result of this kind of erroneous reasoning.

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SO WHAT NOW?

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OCPD):
Do not take it personally if others do not agree with you. Take the disagreement as an opportunity to refine your own beliefs through the learning of others’ different experiences.

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OTHERS):
Do not “JADE” (justify, argue, defend, explain). If your OCPD friend tries to impose his or her beliefs onto you, you really do not need to defend your own beliefs. Instead, just say that you do not agree with him or her. If your OCPD friend corners you with his or her logic, try to catch the all-or-nothing thinking in his or her reasoning and respond by saying something along the lines of, “Hmmm, your observation is interesting. But I cannot agree with your premise because it is not true in my experience.” Your OCPD friend may then try to challenge the validity of your experience. You do not need to defend the validity of your experience. Instead, challenge him or her on the validity of his or her experience. No person’s experience justifies generalization.

The Paradoxical Commandments

This poem, written by Kent M. Keith, expresses so well the heart and uncompromisable love for excellence of people with OCPD. You have been designed for greatness and meant to live excellently, regardless of the lack of excellence around you!