Tag Archives: marriage

Sexual Intensity and Frustration

Sexual frustration is as much an unavoidable, universally experienced difficult feeling in men as sadness or anger. Those bearing a “highly sensitive” nervous system are more likely to experience these feelings even more intensely. Just as it is with sadness, anger, and all other negative emotions, it is very tempting to fix, control, get rid of, or escape the difficult feeling of sexual frustration right away. But it is exactly these immediately gratifying control mechanisms that set us men up for failure in the long run, especially in our relationships.

As painful as it is, the best thing to do in the long run is to NOT do anything when the difficult feeling of sexual frustration comes.

Tissue Box

When boys first experience the difficult feeling of sexual frustration, many of them are left to figure out on their own how to deal with it. This often is the case because there are too many fathers who are either embarrassed to talk with their children about sex or they themselves have very little wisdom or knowledge in the area to pass down. Boys will then discover that the easiest, most accessible way out of this difficult feeling is through masturbation.

Although masturbation might be effective in alleviating the discomfort that comes with sexual frustration, this temporary state of relief comes at a cost. This technique as an escape method robs people of their opportunity to learn how to be ok with this difficult feeling. Those who never allow this difficult feeling to simply take its natural journey in and out of their system through mindful acceptance will find that their sexual frustration in their adult years is as intense as their sexual frustration from their youth. It is through our continuous exposure to discomfort that we build a greater tolerance for it and require less of a quick and easy way out.

Take, for example, the difficult emotion of “stage fright.” When we first experience it, it may be incredibly frightening. Fortunately, many school systems are designed to push children from an early age to continuously face this initially overwhelming feeling. Through “show and tell,” school plays and talent nights, speech competitions, and group presentations, schools incrementally increase children’s exposure to the discomfort of being in front of people, whether the children like it or not. This is why adults are likely to feel less afraid than children to speak in front of an audience.

But unlike my example above, when it comes to sexual frustration, the availability of quick and easy ways out is much too high in today’s world, making it even more difficult for men to resist their control techniques. All it takes now for men to find immediate relief from their sexual frustration is to open up their internet browser. Yes, I am talking about online pornography. Online pornography has all the qualities to make it one of the most highly addictive control mechanisms for men: it is plentifully available, it is low-cost, it is easily accessible, and activity on it can easily be untraced.

Sometimes, though, men do get found out by their romantic partner. The romantic partner may then express his or her hurt (if your romantic partner gets upset by this, something very right is actually happening within his or her conscience). Men who have spent most of their sexual lives controlling their inner sexual experiences in this manner may then justify their behaviour with the response, “All guys do it.” But as I mentioned before, regardless of how many other guys do it, dependence on such an activity as a reaction to sexual frustration is a sign of weakness.

While I am still on the topic of pornography, let me just take this time to further rip it apart. If it means anything to you to have a wonderful sex life within a loving relationship, stay away from pornography. Pornography will ruin your sex life in a loving relationship. Pornography will cause you to shift your focus onto performance and high stimulation and away from intimacy. Your romantic partner will be left feeling inadequate even though making love should never be about trying to be good enough. Pornography will also keep you imprisoned in your sexual frustration. In fact, it will increase it. It will also cause you to objectify people. I could go on and on about the many consequences of pornography, but I should get back to my original topic.

Actual sex is also much more available than it used to be in the past. Watch this very interesting video on “The Economics of Sex” to learn more about this change in the availability of sex:

So as you can see, there are just way too many instantly gratifying, easy options for sexually frustrated men.

So what exactly is the point of putting oneself through the suffering of doing nothing about sexual frustration?

When you have tamed the beast inside of you through mindful acceptance, it no longer controls you. You no longer NEED something to fix it, control it, get rid of it, or escape it. You prevent yourself from developing sexual addictions. When you have sex with your loved one, you can actually give yourself to them as a whole person rather than use them to correct your inner frustrations. Rather than feeling entitled to sex from your loved one, you treasure every intimate moment with them. When other people outside of your committed relationship make a pass at you, you have the self-control to walk away and be loyal to your partner. All in all, you set yourself up for a greater sex life with your loved one in the long run by going through the pain of not doing anything when you feel sexually frustrated.

Here’s a great article on “Sex and Our Psychological Needs

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Resentment and Forgiveness

In my last post titled “OCPD Depression,” I wrote about how people with OCPD can easily become addicted to thinking negatively about life. In much of the same way that this happens, people with OCPD can also become addicted to thinking negatively about other people.

Resentment is another one of the more common addictions that people with OCPD are likely to struggle with.

Resentment

Getting upset by other people is a normal part of life. For people with OCPD, this just happens more frequently and intensely than it does for others because of OCPD high standards and sensitivity. Those who are upset by others can then choose to let their upset mood take its course and move on without making any negative judgments or choose to condemn the people who caused them to get upset. Although many people do end up choosing the latter option, people with OCPD must be very disciplined to not do such a thing because of the way that their mind works.

Judging others is very dangerous for people with OCPD because their obsessive mind runs so extremely fast. In a span of an hour, a thought that arises twice in the mind of a “regular” person might loop 2000 times in the mind of a person with OCPD (the same thing happens with the OCD mind). This repetition creates pathways in the brain that turn passing thoughts into deep-rooted truths.

This would not be such a serious problem if people with OCPD judged accurately. But anyone who thinks in black-and-white is far from judging accurately. All-or-nothing thinking causes people with OCPD to judge others as being all good or all bad (mostly all bad because the majority of the world falls below their high standards). When these all bad judgments become deep-rooted truths, people with OCPD fall into resentment.

Many people with OCPD carry resentment against the people that they spend the majority of their time with. Sadly, these people are also usually the ones who care for them the most. This is tragically unfair. People with OCPD need to be more wary of their thoughts and not let the addiction to resentment destroy their most important relationships. I personally believe the marriage vows of people with OCPD and OCD should include the additional lines, “I promise to protect and honour our relationship through my thoughts. I will be vigilant in guarding my mind from making any negative judgments against you.”

It is also not so uncommon for people with OCPD to carry resentment against entire people groups, countries, and God. This usually happens as a result of continued use of generalizations in their reasoning.

Like all other addictions, resentment is very difficult to break. Neither distance nor death frees people from this addiction. Even though I had cut off all of our ties, even though I had traveled all over the world and lived in different countries, even though I had met other women who treated me so much better than she ever did, even after seven years had passed since our break-up, I had so much difficulty letting go of my resentment against one of my ex-girlfriends who hurt me so deeply. Justification (“it is understandable you did what you did to me because insert reason here“) also does not break the addiction of resentment. It is, however, a favourite psychological strategy used by people with OCPD to temporarily alleviate their negativity and kid themselves that they have forgiven those who have wronged them. Justification is like putting a bandage over a spreading wound.

Forgiveness is what breaks the addiction to resentment. Unlike justification, forgiveness does not try to make excuses for the wrongdoer. Forgiveness says, “You wronged me so bad. I did not deserve it. But I will choose to let go of my urge to condemn you for it.” In order to prevent relapse, resentment addicts must then work very hard at not letting a single resentful thought (against people) to grow in their mind. This is similar to how recovered alcoholics refrain from even having a sip of beer. Many people with OCPD struggle so much with forgiveness because they keep on taking “sips” of resentful thoughts.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

In my last post titled “The Loneliness of the Gifted and Genius,” I discussed how many of the world’s most sensitive people are desperately wanting to be heard and understood. This kind of starvation causes its victims to cling onto a communication tool that is most commonly referred to in the online world as “JADE.”

People with a history of not having their thoughts and feelings valued by others tend to be preoccupied with justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining every little thing that they think and feel.

Argue

As toddlers, most of us had the freedom to be honest and direct about our thoughts and feelings. We had no concept of JADE. If we wanted something, we would simply express our desire to have it. Our loved ones would then hear our simple request and try to make us happy. Communication was simple and pure.

Somewhere along the line, however, things got a bit more complicated. We lost our transparency. We began to JADE and force our loved ones to participate in a maze to figure out what it is that we really want. Rather than giving others the chance to make a decision based on simply making us happy, we gave all kinds of impersonal reasons why something should be done.

People with OCPD JADE in their own kind of way. Their “dominant left brain” causes many of them to use logical reasoning as they JADE. The strong work ethic and the “never give up” attitude of people with OCPD also affects the way that they JADE. While most other people might give up after seeing that they are going nowhere with their JADEing, people with OCPD will continue on with what others perceive as unending circular conversations.

In relationships, JADE is just not a very good idea. Unfortunately, many people do not know any other alternative forms of communication to be heard or understood. Some people who are convinced that it is the only way to be heard or understood honestly think that they are being polite as they invite others to JADE along with them and engage in a battle of “let us see whose argument is better.” All that these people need is to know that it is ok not to JADE, that they will be heard and understood even without it. But communicating that to them should come after receiving their trust through hearing them out, which may, at first, require you to listen to their only means of communication (JADE).

In my family’s case, my father would always cut me off whenever I JADE-ed. Though I just desperately wanted to be heard and understood, my father would say “that’s enough!” or “we are done talking about this!” The continuous invalidation of my side of the story caused me to build up resentment against my father. I would think “who put you in charge of controlling the course of our discussion!?” Then, when my father would JADE, I would sharply say right back at him “that’s enough!” to which he would become infuriated because “that is not the way a child should speak to his father.”

As you can see, though I believe JADE is a poor method of communication, I am even less of a fan of cutting off people who use it as their only means of being heard and understood.

JADEing

Not JADEing

(X wants to stay home because she is tired)
X: I don’t want to go to the party anymore.
Y: Why not?
X: I have nothing to wear.
Y: Sure you do! You can wear that beautiful dress you wore to Jeff’s wedding.
(X feels frustrated because she doesn’t feel heard or understood)
X: Besides, I won’t know anyone there. It will be boring.
Y: Brian and Steph will be there. It’s going to be a great time!
(X feels even more frustrated because she still doesn’t feel heard or understood)
X: Looking for parking there will be such a pain.
Y: We can take a taxi there.
(X wants to stay home because she is tired)
X: I don’t want to go to the party anymore.
Y: Why not?
X: I’m tired and I just want to stay home tonight.
(Y cannot argue against how tired X is. Y cannot argue against X wish to stay home)
Y: Ok.
(X feels heard and understood)
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Open-Minded Giftedness

Does it make any sense for Spider-Man to get upset and complain about how nobody else is fighting crime in the way that he fights crime? No. Does it make any sense for Jiro, the world’s most famous sushi chef, to get upset and complain about how his wife fails to make sushi at home in the way that he makes sushi? No. Why then do we get upset and complain when others fail to match the high standards that have been set by our own unique areas of giftedness?

When people fail to recognize one another’s unique areas of giftedness, they tend to get upset and complain when their high standards are not matched by others.

Excellence

I believe all people are gifted in at least one area in their life. Unfortunately, many people go through life never finding out what it is that they are gifted in. You then end up with people who think this way in their respective areas of giftedness:

“My standards are the standards that everyone should go by because I am right and they are wrong. I expect others to work as hard as I do to match those standards. If they fail, I get upset and complain. I quit on people easily if they keep on failing to match my standards.”

This way of thinking can cause a lot of stress, especially on relationships. Because of their multiple areas of giftedness (including orderliness, organization, analytical thinking, logical reasoning, problem solving), many people with OCPD face this problem a bit too often. This way of thinking is the number one reason why so many people with OCPD have difficult marriages, relationships, and business partnerships.

When people recognize their own unique areas of giftedness, their way of thinking changes:

“I understand that my high standards are unique to me and not shared by the majority of the population. It is not their fault that they cannot see what I see. Therefore, I do not get upset nor do I complain when my standards are not matched by others. I find delight in doing my very best to match my own standards. Since my pursuit of excellence requires only my best effort, I have no reason to quit on others.”

This way of thinking is so much healthier. If more people with OCPD were to think in this way, they would have much less stress and enjoy better relationships. Click here to read an inspiring poem that beautifully captures this healthy way of thinking.

It took me a while to discover my gift in relationships, marriage, family, and parenting. Before I knew I was gifted in this area, I used to get upset and complain to my parents about their poor parenting skills (this never went too well because, in Korean culture, younger people are expected to pretty much shut up and submit to authority). It was when I discovered my gift in this area that I realized that my parents were not so bad after all. I realized that it is just up to me to be the best son that I can be, the best future husband that I can be, and the best future father that I can be. If my parents, my future wife, or my future children cannot be the same for me, well… that is ok. I now understand that we all have “different” areas of giftedness.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Advertisements
Advertisements