Sexual Intensity and Frustration

Sexual frustration is as much an unavoidable, universally experienced difficult feeling in men as sadness or anger. Those bearing a “highly sensitive” nervous system are more likely to experience these feelings even more intensely. Just as it is with sadness, anger, and all other negative emotions, it is very tempting to fix, control, get rid of, or escape the difficult feeling of sexual frustration right away. But it is exactly these immediately gratifying control mechanisms that set us men up for failure in the long run, especially in our relationships.

As painful as it is, the best thing to do in the long run is to NOT do anything when the difficult feeling of sexual frustration comes.

Tissue Box

When boys first experience the difficult feeling of sexual frustration, many of them are left to figure out on their own how to deal with it. This often is the case because there are too many fathers who are either embarrassed to talk with their children about sex or they themselves have very little wisdom or knowledge in the area to pass down. Boys will then discover that the easiest, most accessible way out of this difficult feeling is through masturbation.

Although masturbation might be effective in alleviating the discomfort that comes with sexual frustration, this temporary state of relief comes at a cost. This technique as an escape method robs people of their opportunity to learn how to be ok with this difficult feeling. Those who never allow this difficult feeling to simply take its natural journey in and out of their system through mindful acceptance will find that their sexual frustration in their adult years is as intense as their sexual frustration from their youth. It is through our continuous exposure to discomfort that we build a greater tolerance for it and require less of a quick and easy way out.

Take, for example, the difficult emotion of “stage fright.” When we first experience it, it may be incredibly frightening. Fortunately, many school systems are designed to push children from an early age to continuously face this initially overwhelming feeling. Through “show and tell,” school plays and talent nights, speech competitions, and group presentations, schools incrementally increase children’s exposure to the discomfort of being in front of people, whether the children like it or not. This is why adults are likely to feel less afraid than children to speak in front of an audience.

But unlike my example above, when it comes to sexual frustration, the availability of quick and easy ways out is much too high in today’s world, making it even more difficult for men to resist their control techniques. All it takes now for men to find immediate relief from their sexual frustration is to open up their internet browser. Yes, I am talking about online pornography. Online pornography has all the qualities to make it one of the most highly addictive control mechanisms for men: it is plentifully available, it is low-cost, it is easily accessible, and activity on it can easily be untraced.

Sometimes, though, men do get found out by their romantic partner. The romantic partner may then express his or her hurt (if your romantic partner gets upset by this, something very right is actually happening within his or her conscience). Men who have spent most of their sexual lives controlling their inner sexual experiences in this manner may then justify their behaviour with the response, “All guys do it.” But as I mentioned before, regardless of how many other guys do it, dependence on such an activity as a reaction to sexual frustration is a sign of weakness.

While I am still on the topic of pornography, let me just take this time to further rip it apart. If it means anything to you to have a wonderful sex life within a loving relationship, stay away from pornography. Pornography will ruin your sex life in a loving relationship. Pornography will cause you to shift your focus onto performance and high stimulation and away from intimacy. Your romantic partner will be left feeling inadequate even though making love should never be about trying to be good enough. Pornography will also keep you imprisoned in your sexual frustration. In fact, it will increase it. It will also cause you to objectify people. I could go on and on about the many consequences of pornography, but I should get back to my original topic.

Actual sex is also much more available than it used to be in the past. Watch this very interesting video on “The Economics of Sex” to learn more about this change in the availability of sex:

So as you can see, there are just way too many instantly gratifying, easy options for sexually frustrated men.

So what exactly is the point of putting oneself through the suffering of doing nothing about sexual frustration?

When you have tamed the beast inside of you through mindful acceptance, it no longer controls you. You no longer NEED something to fix it, control it, get rid of it, or escape it. You prevent yourself from developing sexual addictions. When you have sex with your loved one, you can actually give yourself to them as a whole person rather than use them to correct your inner frustrations. Rather than feeling entitled to sex from your loved one, you treasure every intimate moment with them. When other people outside of your committed relationship make a pass at you, you have the self-control to walk away and be loyal to your partner. All in all, you set yourself up for a greater sex life with your loved one in the long run by going through the pain of not doing anything when you feel sexually frustrated.

Here’s a great article on “Sex and Our Psychological Needs

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8 thoughts on “Sexual Intensity and Frustration

  1. MB says:

    “Don’t knock masturbation — it’s sex with someone I love.” — Woody Allen 😉

    While I respect your thoughts on this topic, Daniel, to be honest, other than in the case of self-destructive sexual addiction, I feel this attitude toward “taming” what you call the “beast” of “sexual frustration” reflects more the OCPD pull toward unwarranted shame, self-denial, and self-punishment than “mindful acceptance” of the sexual impulse.

    • Daniel Kim says:

      I wasn’t “knocking” all masturbation… just masturbation as “an ESCAPE method.”

      Had I suggested one’s deviation from mindful acceptance determines his value as a person, I would have been imposing shame onto others. Had I not discussed the greater pay-off that comes with delayed gratification, I would have been promoting self-denial and self-punishment. Have I committed either one of these?

      • Gab says:

        Thank you Daniel for sending me here

        i lead me to read deeper about my problems as a ”gifted’ guy

  2. us says:

    Daniel, I applaud you for this article on what I’m sure is a “touchy” subject for many people. I agree with you 100%. The reason I am leaving a comment is because I noticed in the comment left by MB that MB left a quote by Woody Allen that has a yellow smiley face at the very end and the smiley face is WINKING. I would disagree with anybody, and yes I said anybody that winks because based on The Word of GOD in Proverbs Chapter 6:12,13 it says, “A naughty person, a wicked man, walks with a perverse mouth, he winks with his eyes, he shuffles his feet, and points with his fingers.” I mention this because your article pertains to ALL men (and women) although you are writing to men since you know exactly the feeling that men go through. This has nothing to do with being OCPD or not, this is about being a human being. And as for the winking….yes I used to wink (especially in my text messages) and I used to point with my fingers but now I use those two things specifically as signs that I watch for when dealing with people because my holy spirit will no longer let me wink or point with my fingers. Just some small details that are a huge help straight from the Bible. Again, thanks for putting yourself out there and please continue to write your articles…They are a huge help and I check out your blog every chance I get, which is not often, so thanks!!!

  3. Maria Cruz says:

    Daniel, thank you for your honestly on this topic. Pornography has driven a wedge between my husband and I many times over the years because I can’t accept it on principle. It is abusive to women porn stars and sets a terrible example to impressionable young men who end up thinking that all women want rough sex with multiple partners, and there is no intimacy involved. It took a lot of explaining from me, for him to realize why it’s hurtful but we are making progress. He has OCPD and this blog has helped me to be a more understanding spouse, when I’ve wanted nothing more than to leave the relationship. Your writing style, content and dedication to helping others is much appreciated.

  4. Jeff says:

    Been reading your blogs for quite awhile, and as someone who has a lot of OCPD traits, I have related to a lot of what you have said over your posts. However this is one area I’m not sure sure I fully agree, although of course respect your opinion on the topic.

    First though, if you really and truly are talking about masturbation strictly as a coping mechanism at the expense of developing meaningful relationships, then I do agree. People can dive into inner worlds of sexual addiction and not learn to commit to meaningful relationships. However I do wonder, how much of your opinion stems from a religious viewpoint? You can find a variety of medical sex professionals who will generally talk about the benefits of masturbation and learning more about our bodies and what makes us happy, whereas pretty much any talk against masturbation has come from a Biblical perspective. And with many things, moderation is the key.

    I guess I just don’t see an overall benefit to ‘taming the beast’. Priests take vows of celibacy, and there are some amazing priests and others who rape children. And in the lay community, there are men who masturbate daily who are great parents and family members, and others who terrorize and rape children as well.

    Again, my comment comes from the angle of masturbation in general. Strictly speaking in the terms of an unhealthy coping mechanism, I do understand and generally agree with your viewpoint. Just my two cents 🙂


    • Daniel Kim says:

      Thank you for your comment Jeff. Yes, I am only talking about masturbation as an escape method, as a means of instant gratification. Whether it is about our inner sexual feelings, our feelings of boredom, or our feelings of loneliness, I will always promote delayed gratification over instant gratification because of my past experience with many addictions and my familiarity with the psychology of being highly sensitive/intense, not because of religion.

      Medical sex professionals on average are unfortunately not more aware of the complex inner life of highly sensitive/gifted people than professionals in the mental health field. A lot of psychologists and psychiatrist aren’t even familiar with OCPD…

      • Jeff says:

        You’re right, and I was amazed to find out that some healthcare professionals didn’t even really know about (or acknowledge) OCPD. A few years ago I was curious if I ‘fit the bill’ of OCPD as I seemed to fit a few key traits (namely intense organization, making lists, and living a very structured life) but not all the traits. And during our introductory session I discussed my goals, and she corrected me, saying that I meant ‘OCD’. Umm, not that’s not what I meant… anyway I gave it a chance and she made several references to how what I was discussing was not OCD. Yes, I know! Needless to say those sessions didn’t last too long.

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