Turning The Other Cheek

On the side of all my unpredictable, unstable, and inconsistent creative work that I do, I work part-time in retail, selling luxury goods. I am the newest addition to our sales team. Out of everyone there, I probably make the most mistakes.

For a lot of my co-workers, their job is their life. For them, there are no other options. Many of them carry out their job in a very aggressive manner. I, on the other hand, am so relaxed as I work and it really is apparent. I work there because I enjoy it. If this part-time job does not work out, I know I can just move onto another one that I enjoy.

Few weeks ago, our store had our annual holiday party. Everyone was in a good mood and looking beautiful in their fancy clothes. But as the night progressed and more alcohol was being consumed, some of my co-workers loosened up a bit too much. One of them felt it was the opportune time to say to me, “Daniel, you are a real fuck up to the team!… You just don’t care enough… If you even dare to tell our manager about this conversation, I’m gonna kill you…”

Heart in Eye

Of course it hurt to hear all of this, especially when I have only had good intentions for others at my workplace. I felt misunderstood. My emotional sensitivity also intensified the hurt that I was feeling.

The old-me would have resorted to the use of my psychological strategies to escape my present difficult emotions. Having learned from my past the ineffectiveness of this response, I did something drastically different. I allowed myself to just feel the pain without judging whether the feeling was “good” or “bad,” whether my co-worker’s behaviour was “good” or “bad,” or whether my co-worker was a “good” or “bad” person. I resisted my impulse to investigate why such words were spoken and what had to be done to “fix” the problem. I lived in the present moment, even though that moment was not so pleasant. I also meditated on positive truths about who I am as a person. By doing all of this, I was able to keep myself calm and allow my difficult emotions to fully make its way in and out of my system while centering my identity. After giving myself all the time that I needed to grieve over the experience, I forgave her. In no time, I was feeling much better.

Then came the time to think about what to do next. The old-me would have immediately, without hesitation, confronted my co-worker. I have so much confidence in my communication skills and my mind’s ability to rapidly organize the thoughts and ideas in my head that there are not too many types of people, social situations, or sensitive topics that I feel threatened by when words must be used. In the past, I would tactfully expose the crimes of my wrongdoers and draw out their emotions of guilt to get them to stop doing the things that bother me. This practice worked out for me very nicely for many years.

For the first time, however, I realized that this kind of confrontation was actually my mechanism of control. Underneath it all, I simply feared getting hurt again. Rather than going back to my old ways, I took a chance and resisted this form of control. I kept my heart and mind open to be inspired with a better course of action. In prayer, I asked my God that I believe in, “I am pretty sure my way will achieve the outcome that I want, but is there something else You would rather have me do instead?”

Shortly after, I had a “vision” of my co-worker’s life growing up (religious or not, “psychic”-like experiences are not so abnormal in the lives of a lot of highly sensitive people). I saw (with my spiritual eyes, of course) her growing up, making mistakes, and people being very hard on her. I saw a whole string of hurtful words being spoken onto her and crushing her. I saw her desperately trying to build her self-worth through perfectionism. Her lack of grace on others when they made mistakes stemmed from the lack of grace she received growing up. I sensed the many areas of brokenness within her and just knew what she needed to hear for emotional healing to take place.

On my next day at work, I wrote her a Christmas card that included a Starbucks gift card. I wrote something along these lines (the original was much longer, of course – I just don’t remember all the things that I wrote, word for word):

“I didn’t know the extent of all the frustration and damage you experienced as a result of all my mistakes. I’m sorry. I did not mean to make you feel that I did not care. The truth is, I do care about you and appreciate you as a person very much. You are an amazing, delightful, beautiful woman with a good heart… [specific examples…] I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. ~ Daniel”

After reading my card, she came to me, thanked me, and gave me a big hug.

I am not sharing all of this to boast to the rest of the world “Hey, look at me, I’m such a saint!” No. I share all of this to inspire others to try it out when people behave in nasty, hurtful ways.

One of the questions I get asked very frequently from my blog readers is, “Hey, I’m pretty sure my husband/wife has OCPD and it’s driving me insane. How should I break the news to him/her?” This entire blogpost is my answer: I do not think that it is so necessary to “break the news” to anyone. Rather than pointing out people’s faults, weaknesses, and crimes, I think it is much better to love one another and see people’s attacks as clues to their inner brokenness.

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14 thoughts on “Turning The Other Cheek

  1. Daniel. God bless your heart!! this is coming from a 34year old man. your sensitivity, love, compassion, mercy, and charity are fruits of the Holy Spirit. Thank you for allowing the creator to work through you 🙂 you made my day. Thank you for sharing your Christlike moment.

  2. Lisa Eve says:

    Beautifully written and such an honest and authentic response. Thank you for sharing your experience! It’s helping me to reflect on something similar I am working through right now. (From one sensitive to another, I get it.) 😉

  3. Felicia says:

    Just…. Wow!!!
    You’re amazing! I’ve learnt so much about myself, about others from reading your blogs. Thank you Daniel, for sharing your thoughts, knowledge, insights and experiences. Respect.

  4. Joseph Chen says:

    Is OCPD related to Borderline Personality Disorder?

  5. Marie says:

    Thank you. A very simple, grateful and heart felt thank you for posting such a clear and precise blog. Thank you.

  6. Kathleen says:

    Thank you so much for your article. Your story has given me hope for myself and my relationships. This comes at a good time for me and surely others.

  7. passer-by says:

    what does the “vision” mean?

    Sometimes, I do feel it too… but, I am not sure if those were just my imaginations…

    you remind me of 3 patients who yelled at me, one of them even wanted to hit me… but after those “horrifying moments”, i feel that i can understand the reasons behind although I don’t know them at all… how they have grown up… how they have suffered… how insecure they are…

  8. Daniel Kim says:

    What does the “vision” mean? Well… I personally felt like that particular one was meant to be taken literally… that those events in her life actually happened. Some other highly sensitive people may get more metaphorical “visions,” but a lot of mine, I noticed, are pretty literal.

    It definitely sounds like you had experienced what I experienced. I don’t think we can ever be 100% always correct in siding with our true visions instead of our false imagination. But with practice, I do believe we can get pretty good at it.

  9. acwindsong says:

    Daniel, truly you are someone to look up to. For years I thought I was someone with OCPD, but after reading your post about OCPD [and consulting the family doctor], it seems I have the same thing. Thank you for sharing this tale of yours, and just, Bless you. 🙂 Happy Chirstmas.

  10. Ugly says:

    One of the best articles that I’ve ever read about handling OCPD. Thanks! So many articles and blogs talk about everything BUT how to handle specific situations. If I, in my OCPD thinking, could have a list of how better to handle many situations, I could consciously refer to that list and perhaps it would slowly change my way reactionary behavior. I shall being compiling this list at once. From one Canadian to another; Thanks!

  11. LC says:

    Thanks for sharing , you have a big heart Dan !

  12. Grace says:

    Daniel what you did was extremely commendable. However, not only did your coworker bully you, she threatened you. I’m not sure how it works in your workplace but as a healthcare professional, in my place of work this unacceptable. If another coworker threatened or bullied another person she/he could be fired and blacklisted from working in any health care facility – if my patients cannot verbally abuse me, why should my coworker have the right to do so (drunk or not). It’s good that you made this post to remind yourself of what this particular coworker stated because I’m sure she’s also bullied/threatened other staff members too… (I just hope they have the ability to cope with her hurtful, demeaning and threatening words).

  13. vanessa says:

    well written thanks for sharing!

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